Numbness of mind

The world is constantly in a state of change and we know that.
Question is, is it for the better or not?

I am sure you all remember your childhood, I certainly
remember large portions of mine, and frankly, I miss
those days, especially now that I am a parent. See,
when I was a kid around 7-10 first of all I had no
worries about child molesters and similar things and
neither did I have a home that spotted physical abuse.

But it seems that these days, all you read is that
this and that child has been kidnapped, raped, killed
in various and horrible ways. Had this always been
happening? And if so, do I really want to know about
it or would I want to stay in a bliss thinking all
is as good in the world as my childhood memories led
me to think? I could be out by myself after dark without
my parents calling the police in hysteria. Does
that make them bad parents or tolerant parents?

Yes, childabuse is a horrible thing in all its guises
and there is no excuses for it. Let me give you an
example. Right now, there is a 20 year old woman
on trial, for helping to beat her own child to death.
Why? Because her new husband didn’t think that this
little 2 year old was saying Thank you! and Please!
as often as he would like. What the hell is that about
at age 2, not all kids have developed a good speech
yet and they put a demand on the kid to behave as an
adult, and if the demand is not followed, the child
is beaten with belts, gets its head held under cold
water, and the assault doesnt even stop even tho at
one point the little girl tells her mom “I love you”
DURING the beating. How heartless can you become?

I have had my share of despair when there has been
sleepless nights and you just wanted to throw the
baby out the window, but thats just it, when those
thoughts occur, at the same time you are horrified
with yourself. How could I even think that. This
is my child that I am carrying.

Is there anything that warrants physically and mentally
scar a child just because it cant meet standards of
adults? Isn’t childhood to prepare you for adulthood
and to train your body and mind while it grows?
At least that was what I thought.

Let me change the subject slightly.
They say that todays news and the information flood numbs
human emotions. Ok, I can agree with that, but what’s to
say that it is a permanent state? I will give you a pretty
good example.

Before David came along, I could read the news without any
emotional attachment, even really serious famine, war,
natural disasters, it didnt really make any large impact
on me. I simply stated that OK, its happened, lets see
if someone can help out. I try to do my share with donations
to various purposes, such as AIDS research and Child Cancer
Fund, and so on and so forth, but nowadays something has

Since David was born it seems that the thick shell
that the news bounced upon was has cracked and
there are some pretty large gaping holes in it. Whenever
the news are about children that in one way or another
is mistreated, threatened, killed etc etc etc, my first
thought is, who would do such a thing. The second thought
is “What if it was David?” I am not a professional shrink,
nor will I state that I am one, but my theory here has
is that when you become a parent, you get more sensitive
when it comes to children, even if the child isnt yours
and you have no emotional attachmen to the child in question.

So, parenthood is a mixture of aches, bruises and smiles.
You get to see your child develop and turn into a new
individual that will learn, laugh, smile and love, while
at the same time you will have sleepless nights, high
screaming and tears shoved at you as a parent.

Like I have it right now. When I get home from work,
my little toddler comes stomping in as high a pace
as his little chubby legs can carry him, and he then
attaches himself to my legs until I try to sit down
and at wich point I have to take him up into my lap
as to not get a sonic blast at me. My goodness those
small things has big lungs and high strung larynxes.

Oh well, thats parenthood for you.

Blizzard in my mind

Right now there is a lot going on in my life, not so much on the outside
but inside. I have a thousand and one things that I have to consider all
the time, although some of them might not be necessary, they still intrude
upon me and usurp my thought processes and frankly, its close to driving
me mad. I really haven’t got time to deal with all ideas at once, there just
isnt time enough on the day. I have a job that I enjoy, and I want to keep it
so id better be a good little working bee and do my job as much as I
can. But still.

The mud really requires extra thoughts on to where to go from
here with the remort system. The initial plan wont really work that
good, so I need to sit down and talk with the coder on what to do
and how to do it.

My personal life needs some attentions since for sometime now
it has been put on hold for work and for David. I would not put David
second any time, but right now everything else intrudes.

So the best I can do right now is keep on the raging horse, franticly,  I
might add, and ride this horse til it drops from exhaustion and then
pick up the pieces and puzzle it together again and go for another ride.

Some tip on music now for a change. You know that I am quite eclectic in my
taste of music, but I tend to lean towards the electric guitars and and banging
drums, so here is a tip from me, to you. Even if you might not like metal
in general, you might actually like this one. Listen to the message.
The song is “Letter to Dana” from the band “Sonata Arctica”.
A really beautiful song. Here is the lyrics for you:

Dana, my darling, I’m writing to you.
Cause your father passed away, it was a beautiful day
And I don’t want to bother You anymore,
I used to hope you’d come back
But not anymore Dana.

My eyes might have betrayed me, but I have seen
your picture on the cover of a filthy magazine
And I think my heart just cannot handle that
Dana, my darling, would be so bad.

Dana my darling I’m writing to you
Cause your mother passed away it was a really rainy day
And I didn’t mean to bother you anymore
Your mother wished: Come visit your father’s grave, Dana

Your father disowned you ’cause you have sinned
But he did forgive you in condition he was in
And I hope you won’t do those things anymore
Dana My darling I’m waiting for

Little Dana O’Hara oh, Dana my dear,
How I wish that my Dana was here
Little Dana O’Hara decided one day
to travel away, faraway

No, you can’t surprise me anymore
I’ve seen it all before
But it seems I cannot let you go
Dana, Dana, Dana, Dana

And I think that I told you, I’d wait for you forever
Now I know someone else’s holding you,
so, for the first time in my life – I must lie
Lie’s a sin, mess that I am in,
Love is not the thing I feel now
I promise you: I won’t write again ’til the sun sets
behind your grave

Dana, oh, Dana I’m writing to you
I heard you passed away, it was a beautiful day
I’m old and I feel time will come for me
My diary’s pages are full of thee

Little Dana O’Hara oh, Dana my dear,
How I wish that my Dana was here
Little Dana O’Hara decided one day
to travel away, faraway

Little Dana O’Hara oh, Dana my dear,
How I wish that my Dana was here
Little Dana O’Hara decided one day
to travel away, faraway

Little Dana O’Hara oh, Dana my dear,
How I wish that my Dana was here
Little Dana O’Hara decided one day
to travel away, faraway